sloth

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2011-05-28T12:11:00.001-07:00

i think write more in tumblr than blogspot these days.so if any of u are actually reading this and actually bothers,try to head down to ebbsandflows.tumblr.com.

for some unexplainable reason it feels better to write shits there now.

2011-05-28T12:09:00.000-07:00

i've cried over the loss of friends that i loved.

though im not sure whether i was crying for regret,or disgust.

the boring holiday

2011-05-17T08:46:00.000-07:00

my reading habit is back on.i was very happy upon realizing that i finally managed to finished up a whole book for the past 6 days and to think that i havent finished any for the past 6 months is just, utterly embarrassing.

i bought tons of books earlier this year,and never finished any.daddy wont be so happy if he knows that,the amount of money he paid for those books doesnt do justice to how bad i neglect them afterwards.

i got reallllly lazy and i dont wanna elaborate more.too shameful.

but hey,all is well now,i just finished reading"a world without islam" by graham e.fueler and it feels good to want to read again.

and i have this sudden fascination over the british monarch these days.(no,does not in any way relate to the royal wedding).it's crazy,i spent nights studying the house of tudor,house of stuart,saxe-cooburg-cooburg saalfeld,windsor and such.

bottom line is,holiday already come as a bore to me.i need a job,pronto,before i end up becoming a boring historian or a dead historical piece myself.

ANHELO SU BOCA, SU VOZ, SU PELO

2011-05-17T01:45:00.001-07:00

I crave your mouth, your voice, your hair.
Silent and starving, I prowl through the streets,
Bread does not nourish me, dawn disrupts me, all day
I hunt for the liquid measure of your steps.

I hunger for your sleek laugh,
your hands the color of a savage harvest,
hunger for the pale stones of your fingernails,
I want to eat your skin like a whole almond.

I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body,
the sovereign nose of your arrogant face,
I want to eat the fleeting shade of your lashes,

and I pace around hungry, sniffing the twilight,
hunting for you, for your hot heart,
like a puma in the barrens of Quitratue.

*translated

-pablo neruda

:)

2011-04-30T01:31:00.000-07:00

i've reached the point where i couldn't give a fuck anymore.i gave up trying,i gave up hating,i gave up wondering and yeah well,i basically gave up on everything.

please don't shower me with questions on whether or not i take things personally.because i gave up the whole terasa game a long time ago.

it's about time i realize and embrace the fact that two-faced people exist.and i should have take more precautions on this type early on.

shudn't have take them too close to the heart.

would have feel a whole lot differently if u're not that important,see.

oh well,life's a lesson.

2011-04-02T11:57:00.001-07:00

i observe a lot these days.humanity seems a rather interesting subject to study and scrutinize,but somehow tengok perangai keji orang sekarang buat aku sendiri lost my faith in humanity.hmmm.

geli

2011-04-02T11:36:00.000-07:00

time flies really fast and looking back,baru aku sedar how i am way ahead from my days in kedah.i've lost countless of people along the road,not many of them i regret of losing anyway.but what i regret is those who forever on linger but've changed.

changes.

not that i dread it,it's just that some changes are just too bitter to swallow.

i see people who throw their dignity to climb up the social ladder.orang yang makan semua kata kata pom pom dia sebab nak kejar status.suddenly kiasu is a disease.competition sengit sampai pedajal orang sana sini sampai dah taktau nak cakap healthy competition ke tak.

funny,some mingle even with the most unlikely,just to fit in,just to dapat nama,just to glamour kat fac,dikenali (disegani tu belakang cerita,yang penting orang kenal)

maybe untuk semua orang,this is normal.semua orang nak jaga reputasi,nak jadi tokoh,nak di look up to.maybe plenty of you would perceive this as a bitter vent of a loser yang takde ramai kawan,yang masih duduk kat bawah sekali dalam social hierarchy so macam jealous tengok orang kat atas atas.

trust me darlings of the world.sikit pun tak jealous.as a matter of fact,im quite proud of some of my friends achievement.really,it ain't easy kot untuk di look-up to.

but what i find rather disgusting is how some of these kind are willing to cium,jilat sampai licin lubang tahi orang sebab nak semua tu.takpun orang yang dulu cerita pom oh aku takkan itu takkan ini alih alih telan semua tu sebab nak climb social ladder.

i dont hate.i quit hating way too long ago.

tapi jijiklah.

i dont know,maybe i'll end up being less fortunate and less succesful in my career later compared to the others,but i guess i just have to big of an ego to swallow my pride and clean up people's ass just to be perceived as,well,successful.

a fool

2011-03-15T09:43:00.000-07:00

i dont wanna spend my days checking my inbox every minute like a fool.

but then again,i've done my part and,oh well,shit happens.

feelings doesn't necessarily reciprocate do they?

funny thing is,this is not even love i'm talking about.

note of abandonment,

2011-03-05T22:32:00.000-08:00

i've lost my sense of writting due to the crazy schedule that this semester brings.

bosan

2011-02-04T02:49:00.000-08:00

ah kawan.senyum salah tak senyum salah.nak berbaik salah,tak berbaik kecah.

lantak korang ah.penat dong begini,harus terus terusan coba berbaik,tapi emangnya kalau orang tak suka,buat apa ditunggu tunggu.bukan hati awak je pernah sakit,hati kita pun pernah sakit please. kita dah buang keruh habis habis dah,orang yang kita sayang kutuk awak pun kita diam je.siap marah lagi.tapi awak tu haa.taktau apa lagi yang tak puas hati.

i've walk over that phase where i constantly want to please people.really,the only reason i adopt positivity these days is because i got tired of drama,and being nice to everyone seems a whole lot easier.tapi kalau orang tak hendak,kita pun tak boleh buat apa.

kalau awak tak happy,kita senyum and move on je lah.

bye.

grateful much

2011-02-02T10:16:00.000-08:00

i got really tired of trying to fit in and assimilate with all the wrong crowd.i got really tired of pretending and trying to understand shits that i dont like.

shits that at some point i pose some interest on,and after awhile,dissapears.

shits that i need to appear as in im interested in.

for once in my life,i really,really dont give a fuck about fitting in anymore.

because finally,just this once in my life i am able to fit perfectly in the surroundings i'm in now.

without the shoes,the bags,the gadgets,the music that i listen to,the crowd that i use to hang around with.

finally,i get to hold the privilege to be judged through my persona,minus all the outer face value.

and for that,im grateful for the friends that i only get to know recently,but worth a whole lot more than most assholes that i have known for years.

complete

2011-02-02T09:56:00.000-08:00

“oh god it’s wonderful

to get out of bed

and drink too much coffee

and smoke too many cigarettes

and love you so much”

- Frank O’Hara

2011-01-31T10:00:00.000-08:00

i shall retreat into my hideout and stay there forever

awal sem babble

2011-01-16T04:50:00.001-08:00

had a really bad start for the new semester,some issues with the rumah sewa and all.apparently one of our housemates got a "dear friend" tagging along her wherever she goes and that dear friend keep on bugging us at home,knocking here and there moving things around so nak taknak kena chiow lah.

thank god we got a new house just around that time the whole gangguan happen though it really did burnt a hole in my pocket to pay the deposit for the new house.but totally worth the pay,rumah macam showroom ikea i tell u.(nak promote satu bilik masih available lai lai lai mari sewa).

class is ok so far.for some weird unknown reason all the girls seems to avoid any contact or communication with me.well not that its anything new only that it appears to be more apparent these days.hard to guess why.maybe the hair,or the fact that i smoked.or maybe im just a mute ass they cant bear.

not that i care.

i go to class with the boys,back home with the boys.setel.

new subjects are exciting,and the good thing is,i am excited for the learning process this sem.
hope this last.

la heim.

2011-01-01T01:33:00.000-08:00

you know what happen when u smoke too much weed?

you get a trainwreck household.hysterical maniacs,flying kitchenware,you know the drill.

now dont give me that look when i say i have plenty of reasons to question His existence.i grew up witnessing a shitloads of questionable event and tremendous hardship.now dont say im exxagerating just because i tak mengemis di pasar malam dan takde duit nak sekolah.

hardship doesnt necessarily have to concern money,does it?

my hardship concerns the likes of emotional turbulence and psychological distress.and i didnt grew up with people who set much of a good example either.

this might sound like something personal to some people,something that i should keep to myself,but being so emotionally barren like me,you just dont know the difference anymore.i am in this state where i have nothing to lose,and nothing to gain.and for the past few years,i have forgotten when was the last time i ever did something with pure sincerity.every move,every act that i engaged in,are like,the things that i have to do in order to confirm myself as part of the human race.just a dogmatic routine that i have to face daily.no escape.and to make my breeder happy.

i didnt please my breeder that much lately.

i've gain all the A's,all the good grades,but i never really pleased them fully.

which confuse me sometimes.

and makes me wonder,

where is God?

2010-12-25T01:26:00.001-08:00

home is now a living hell.

2010-12-18T10:57:00.000-08:00

"Te amo como se aman ciertas cosa oscuras,
secretamente, entre la sombra y el alma"

(I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.)

-Pablo Neruda

positivity

2010-12-18T10:49:00.000-08:00

i have been alone for as long as i can remember,i have,a very diminish amount of friends that are even worth of being called friends,i have been ditched and left repeatedly to survive on my own,to hold,wrap and shield myself from the agony that loneliness brings.it took a while to completely ignore that shitty empty feeling but i got hold of it.

walaupun kadang kadang ada lobang rompong dalam jiwa ni,kadang kadang rasa nak give up,sikit sikit nak time off dengan the other half bila gaduh,sikit sikit nak lari masuk hutan pantai bagai (pengaruh rangga),nak duduk sorang sorang,nak emo,tapi alhamdulillah,with alots (LOTS) of sesi melepak with the precious ones,late night calls,some reading and positive thinking,i've made my way pass through that goddamn emotional blackhole.

i've went through various phases,and finally,i am in that position where i no longer feel that absolute emptiness.

i may have lost faith and hope somewhere along the road,but i'm slowly and steadily trying to regain those back.

faith is a word i have for so long ignored.but the existence of the wonderful people around me,had somehow instill faith back in my barren soul.

to those who've always been there to listen to my random rants,wipe my tears and lend me shoulders,

thank you.

anje

2010-12-18T09:32:00.000-08:00

exactly an hour late for tron 3d,toweeee judy jude.but dont we all had fun today ay?;)

anyways i gotta stop questioning why money run dry fast these days.frequency keluar bersuka ria semakin menjadi jadi dua tiga menjak ni,tak sepadan dengan status kewangan yang tak semengah.

oh well looking on the bright side though,i post a lot less depression lately so that's kinda nice for a change.

beau jour,

2010-12-15T07:11:00.000-08:00

leg cramp was worth it.and someone obviously couldnt get his hands off my quarter bald head..

not that i dont love holidays,but seriously i miss the feeling of waking up with a purpose.and yes,i dont have much money left to berjimba,so cepat la back to schoollll i cant waitttttt!

fedapz

2010-12-12T07:40:00.001-08:00

ada banyak benda yang aku rasa nak carutkan sekarang,tapi seriously,knowing that my life isnt getting any better soon,i guess whining hanya akan mengeringkan tenaga dan emosi aku je.drainedddd,i am severely draineeeddd naw.

for now,let me savor upon these telur pindang cicah dengan kicap, alone.

stoic

2010-12-09T09:29:00.001-08:00

this is dangerous.getting a shitty result and still feel happy and indifferent is dangerous.see today i got my result and believe me,there aint nothing good to say about it except that,well i managed to pass all the subject(syukurrr kak ram tak fail kan contract).but ok screw that the point is,tiada peningkatan at allz and it got me thinking,maybe i should really learn to aim for DL rather than aim untuk lepas lepas ayam(bak kata hasif) because thats what i always get pun,lepas lepas ayam.

and why the fuck am i not sad?or worried?

ama why u no scared of anything????????????????????!!!

*i secretly blame the other half for this excessive and absurd amount of joy.

agoni,

2010-11-30T02:35:00.000-08:00

pernah kenal tak perasaan dah cuba buat macam macam to achieve something tapi asyik fail?tak seronok langsung rasa dia kan.well that's exactly how i feel now regarding my effort to gain weight this cuti sem.

sumpah sekarang aku dah tak gembira dengan the ultimate privilege to makan banyak yang selama ni bukan main aku hold with pride.aku dah fedup,aku dah nak termuntah,food doesnt excite me as much as it used to be anymore.bayangkan,makan nasi 3 kali sehari (campur nasi tambah kira kira 4-5 kali sehari jugak),hari hari pun lauk ayam ada,supper jangan cakap,ice-cream,nugget,sosej,pelbagai aneka chocolate yang memang ada dalam fridge untuk bekalan malam.in addition to that,my mother has a thing for bubur sagu,dan she make it a point to buat bubur sagu sekurang kurangnya 4 kali seminggu sebagai dessert.

so skarang cuba explain kat gua,apahal susah sangat nak suruh jarum penimbang tu duduk kt angka 45 kg diam diam?kenapa harini aku dah gembira sakan berat dah normal,esok timbang 43kg.KENAPA?KENAPA BADAN MACAM PLASTIC BAG SANGAT NI?!

i may sound like i'm making a big issue out of a small things, dan orang akan cakap aku tak bersyukur,orang lain berlumba lumba nak turun berat,aku kecoh nak naikkan.well kawan kawan,2-3 years ago,it may be cute and i might've actually tak kisah to be kurus,boobless,and bottomless.but now that i'm 20,i pun ada desire to have some curve on my body.

the feeling of not having your ass fit properly in a pair of jeans is equally as bad as not having your ass even able to fit INTO a pair of jeans.percayalah.

there there

2010-11-24T13:54:00.000-08:00

you,me,him and them.we are all just a phase.dying to fit in,scared of being irrelevant.

the bikes the bands the scenes the clothes the words we used the music we listen to.

just a phase.

becoming irrelevant too,is a phase.only the sad truth is,we cant ever possibly avoid it.

nak jadi muda dan in selama lamanya?lupakan adik adik.

robot,not so rock

2010-11-24T00:27:00.000-08:00

i surprised myself of what i've become these days.i'm not even sure if death itself can make me cry.what i fear is how fearless i've become.how thick my skin is now.how on some of them sleepless nights,i choose to dwell in all the sad sad memories and find myself feeling,well,indifferent.

life suddenly feel so boring and dull,and everything seems so monotonous,repetitious,dogmatic.nothing excites me as much as before.and nothing brings me down as bad as before.

i have zero regrets in anything.and most of the time,i have zero emotions towards everything.

but what makes me feel slightly uneasy about this change is the fact that being so emotionally barren and dry,i fear i can no longer love a person as much as before.

and that, worries me.

what was the most sickening thing you ever did when you were small?

2010-11-11T08:35:00.001-08:00

makan sabun dkt body shop

Ask me anything

selfless love

2010-11-11T08:23:00.000-08:00

how can fear of your lover,fear towards your boyfriend,can ever be equated to love?please,society enlighten me for i do not know this kind of love.for i have always find it confusing on why,just why people stick to an abusive relationship, and by abusive i do not only mean it as physically,but also emotionally.

is it the trend or what because these days i find many girls i know commit to such relationship.

everything you do,every decision you made,are base solely on his consent.you will not even contemplate your own needs,all you care about is to not go against his will.your number one fear is him being mad,or even having a slight uneasy feeling.your only purpose of life is to please him.

if this is what they call true love,then i pity myself for being too selfish and will never get the chance to touch this true truest form of love.

exam week,

2010-11-06T10:02:00.000-07:00

lokasi tetap pembelajaran mesti mcd.walaupun sebelum ni aku adalah antara orang yang kurang percaya terhadap kaedah belajar dikedai makan macamni (takut distracted dgn makanan.which happens,sometimes),tapi terpaksa akur kerana ketua study group mohd norazam(YE ARM MIAMOR YE YES BELIEVE IT FELLOW COLLEAGUE) suka tempat tersebut.

ketua study group kita.berkarisma sekali.

yeah i got distracted quite alot of times...

on why haven't i spent my time studying in the room by myself?well,engkau tengoklah sendiri rupa dan keadaan bilik selama minggu penuh depresi ni,

COBA ENGKAU TENGOK SIKIT INI TONGKANG KE APA

lagipun duduk dalam bilik sangat menyedihkan,dah lah sorang sorang,asyik makan ramen dan seaweed sambil tengok boys over flowers.TENGOK NAK AMBIL MOOD KOREA PUNYA PASAL MAKAN PUN NAK ALA ALA KOREA.

ok fine,AKU SUKA BOYS OVER FLOWER SO WHAT?!

anyways,sebenarnya ada lagi satu paper tapi macam poyo gila nak letak post macamni macam dah habis paper.cihihi k chiowzzz nak study MLS

vicious circle

2010-11-03T03:39:00.001-07:00

dont blame me for the bitch i am now,blame the person who mold me into this.behind every bitch,there's always another back-stabbing bitch/bitches who contributes to her rise.you might no longer be that bitch,tapi orang orang yang pernah kena dengan kau might just take your position and become one.

yeah it's a vicious circle.

and please,save your act of surprised really,it's not like you've never been one before.

blergh.terkejutz konon.macam tak biasa.

2010-10-30T13:39:00.000-07:00

losing a friend surprisingly doesn't kill me as much as it did before.

oh well,i got used to it over the years.

kita semua adalah pemenang,

2010-10-29T12:47:00.000-07:00

tolonglah tak cukup bakar semangat ke ni?terus boleh habis baca tort satu malam.

f

2010-10-29T10:46:00.000-07:00

i no longer believe in the idea of true friendship.and im buying dads words on how the word friends are just created to relieve the mankind from feeling lonely.

i shouldn't be this sad,considering how i've been left,ditched,dumped, back stabbed for countless of times.i should've have like gotten use to it.in fact,it's particularly frustrating to think that i didn't buy this idea from early on.

come on man,who would really sacrifice everything for others?i bet jesus would think twice on it too.

it just feel really bad because it feels like i lose all of my friends as soon as i won the guy of my dream.spoil the whole thing,get it?

prolly im just too fucked up and i can't stop mindfucking people as well.

i guess a fucked up person doesn't really need a friend.we need a therapist.

whip it real hard

2010-10-29T10:03:00.001-07:00

ada suara jahat dalam otak yang cakap i nampak terlalu tua untuk berdamping dengan budak sekolah ni.

final?what final?

2010-10-23T03:32:00.000-07:00

so just as the final is approaching(it's 3 days away now),a certain someone decided to balik shah alam and buat surprise comeback.tapi tak jadi,thanks to my persuasive nature.so yeah tak surprise langsung.org hebat macam i memang susah kena tipu.

first day

jejak kasih balik.setelah seminggu ditinggalkan,

11.30 pm

5.30 am.

mengejar pigeons.of all the things that can be done on our last morning together..

and who would've figured a simple breakfast would lead to 3 days of roller coaster ride and ultimate sleep deprivation.not that i'm complaining,of course.:)

so now,apecite final ni weh?

2010-10-19T02:44:00.002-07:00

"and if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you,"

-Nietzsche

.

2010-10-18T11:45:00.000-07:00

but you've let go and you're no longer behind me as before.

dead

2010-10-17T03:43:00.001-07:00

there's this familiar warmth that's been haunting my sleepless night.something so profoundly familiar and attached,that the thought of shedding it would only mean shedding a large portion of myself.

which means,to kill a part of me.

to avoid all the unnecessary pain,i look back and say "this was the man that i used to love",instead of "this is the man that i love".love dies everyday,but i'ts not the dying part that matters.it's how you kill it.

and i've probably,rather unintentionally, choose the most slow and painful method of killing.

and for that,i'm sorry.

2010-10-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

"I am no longer sure of anything.

If I satiate my desires,

I sin but I deliver myself from them;

if I refuse to satisfy them,

they infect the whole soul,"

-sartre

exam mode,

2010-10-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

say hello to weeks of ultimate depression,and umpteenth supply of coke,caffeine, and nicotine.

HELLO HELL.

equal

2010-10-11T04:43:00.002-07:00

it's like having your name tattooed all over and i have to cut every inch of my skin to remove them.

yeah i feel the pain too.

if you flash your heart I won't mistreat it

2010-09-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

been watching this over and over again.arent they the cutessssst thing?
such a cute video for such a good song.:)

f* you!

2010-09-28T05:09:00.000-07:00

suddenly the population of bastards around me seems to outgrown the number of bitches.

hall of misery

2010-09-27T10:26:00.000-07:00

i've been getting a shitloads of reminder to not vent too much on the blogsphere.and it annoys me to death because 1st;it's my blog thus therefore i reserve the rights to write any kind of shit in any amount as i please (not necessarily in accordance with the idea of freedom of speech,in reality) 2nd:i enjoy the fact that despite not many would have the interest over my shitty life and rants,at least some would find it too late to escape the misery by the time they read the second line and 3rd:im sadistic in that sense.sharing my agony indirectly with the whole world.

though i would be happy to buy a new kicks with the nuffnang cash (soon,hopefully) i cant pretend to be all time bubbly and post all the fascinating interesting trends of some shit just to increase my feed because,well,i guess im not trendy enough for such things.

so yeah,step into the hall of misery,and face it,everyone likes a person downfall rather than their ups dont they?speaking in that sense,this space should be interesting enough.

oh and i dont post pictures that much(except on a highly rare occasions) due to my excessive level of insecurities.

booo.

toilet paper heart

2010-09-27T01:18:00.000-07:00

i've mentioned a countless time how i am very well known to own a toilet paper heart.that despite all these so-called dont give a fuck persona im trying to carry along,im very much still a dumbfuck cry baby.

the thing is,i've always been pushed around throughout my life,and believe me,no one likes to be pushed around.you're emotions are constantly bullied.your thoughts are never important.things as such.but hey throughout the 20 years of my sweet painful life,i've learnt to adapt to this situation.because feels like it's much easier that way.yes,im a follower,never a leader.

but most of the time you choose succumb to all these shit because of one simple reason.love,and friendship. (this sounds sappy).and in the name of friendship i shall be happy making a fool out of myself just to make the others happy too.

but it just sucks because sometimes you forget the boundaries.you forget that with you,the sky is the limit but with them,there are stern warnings and boundaries set upon.

im sorry,im just a very forgetful person.and believe me i've tried hard enough to give everyone that i love the best feelings they can possibly have.

shitfuck.i gotta stop being such a wuss.this is getting too emotional to handle.

never too soon,

2010-09-24T02:27:00.000-07:00

and while our bloods still young,
it's so young it runs,
and we wont stop until it's over,
wont stop to surrender

toilet peace

2010-09-23T07:49:00.000-07:00

is it too much to ask to ever feel liberated enough to smoke in the girls toilet without all the unnecessary hoo-hah?

my God to be gender discriminated by my own fucking gender memang tak seronoklah perasaannya.

ish malaslah nak mula hurai pasal tu panjang panjang.senang cakap,
kepada akak hideous yang begitu teruja dan curious sekali membincangkan bau rokok dijamban wanita bersama teman teman anda pada beberapa hari lepas ketika saya sedang berak,sila go and fuck yourself.

kerana nombor satu,saya perlukan ketenangan ketika berak.

nombor dua,children are starving on the streets,capitalism is sucking the life out of the poor,AIDS shows no sign of slowing down yet still,so why dont you worry about those big big things instead of my tiny little act of indulgent?

or at least go worry about your seriously overweight body first.sheeessh gua sakit perut kot!

for those who can,

2010-09-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

“I’m twenty-eight years old and trying to figure out most days what being a man means.
I don’t drink, fight or fuck but these days I find myself wanting to do all three.
I don’t really have a favorite color anymore, but I did when I was a kid.
And back then that color was blue, and back then I wanted to be an astronaut, an artist, an architect, a secret agent, a ranger for the World Wildlife Fund, and a hobo.
When I was six years old I used to always throw my clothes into my blue and yellow hot wheels car carrying suitcase and run away to beneath the dining room table.
I’ve made out with more girls than I wish I’d had and not nearly as many as I’d like to.
And I’ve been in love three times so I doubt I’m going to try that anymore.
And I spend most days making pictures or thinking about making pictures or masturbating or thinking about masturbating.
And I’m trying to find God everywhere and figure this thing he made called a man.
And the TV tells me its bare-knuckled bombing, so I guess if I had a tank or a missile my penis would be huge.
And thats what I want because thats what being a man means or at least thats what they keep telling me.
My pops, he takes care of us.
He puts the garbage out twice a week.
He drives forty-five minutes to water flowers.
I sit on the bus when a seven year-old boy sits down next to me and asks me my name.
“Anis.” That’s a nice name.
“Thank you, what’s yours?” Quentin.
Anis, do you want to read Robin Hood with me?
So tell me what my fists are writing, Mr. President.
My fingers, they open up like gates when I type and the wind is swinging in the wake, mother fucker.
I lift bridges with poems and forests grow in my mother’s eyes.
“I am looking for God, Quentin.”
“While this world says “fuck you” for trying.
For this world hates your eyes, Quentin.
For they are simple and pure.
And this world hates your fingers, Quentin, little like the stems of flowers.
For not being able to pick up the things you have left behind, because you are still learning to do so.
I don’t drink, fight, or fuck but these days it’s only two out of those three I don’t do, Quentin.
And I fall in love three times, so I don’t want to, want to, but I still do, Quentin.
And I want to find God in the morning, in the tired hands of dusk.
But, instead, I drive sixty through residential streets praying to hit a child so that they may stay forever night and forever red and forever full of light and crayons and simple outstretched limbs…
..Trying to pick up way too much way too fast, forgetting what it means to be a person.
In a world where egos are measured with tabloids, where automobiles are like morals, where beliefs are like naps, you leave them behind when somebody touches you.
And in a place where oil takes precedence over life, I find myself sitting on a bus, when a little boy floats down like fresh water, carrying a book I used to read and asks if I want to see what he sees if only for a little while.
Then asks if I want to give to him what I see if only for a little while, then says to me he’s going to show me the world.
And starts moving his fingers beneath the words, not always noticing what is written, sometimes skipping whole sentences, sometimes skipping whole lines…
…because his fingers are moving fast and I wanna tell him, “Slow down, Quentin.
You can see it all if your finger whispers on one word.
Slow down and hold what you see just a little bit longer.”
For in a world of fast faces, I’m looking for God everywhere, trying to figure out a little better this little thing he made called a man.”

tua lah kau

2010-09-12T06:25:00.000-07:00

sang penyelamat.

sang penyelamat nombor dua.

birthday boy?

hello.

i turned 20 today.how does it feel to finally reach the twenties and leave the belasan tahun days behind?well,if so happened a proper celebration was held with family and friends and lovers,i would've said,it didnt feel bad at all.

but sadly,those things doesnt happen much in my world.at least,not in the last 3 years as i recalled.this time around,i was (and still am) stuck in batu pahat,the parents didnt even remembered my birthday at least till it was already halfway through the day,and yeah,here,its not really the crowd that i fancy to celebrate my birthday with.really,no.

thank God some good friends of mine was also around in batu pahat,they practically saved the day from a total faktapness and give me a brief but good enough time.

(thnks juliana johan dan suffi maskam,me love yu olz mucho!)

funny,because i was usually so casual about birthdays,never really care much about it.but this time,i kinda wished for something different.something big la konon konon.

well,its not like you turn 20 everyday.and yes in some ways,it is a big deal to turn 20.i somehow feel bad for not being able to call myself a teenager anymore (i reserve the rights to at any time invalidate this statement dan terus terusan perasan muda as much as i please).and to think how there are still a dozen things i've yet to accomplished,ahhhh man its just so frustrating.

i know this might sounds like a total bullshit to some,yeah come on,its not like im 30 to talk about achievements and all.but truth is,i had tons of dreams that i've been dying to execute before i reached the twenties because i dont want to later be 24 or 25,looking back regretting on how many times have i wasted,how many opportunities slipped out of my fingers,so on and so forth.

yeah i've really outgrown myself since high school ended.all the shit that i've gone through mould me into this.

these days,i really do literally feel old.

pain

2010-09-11T08:32:00.000-07:00

i used to love you so much that i got intoxicated with it.right now,that intoxication scares me to death my dear.it wasnt love that came into our way, whether its losing or rising.its the fear that i face each time i say the 3 word sentence.the fear that this thing,that we had,was way ahead of us.way ahead of what we should be facing.we're just not compatible enough for it.

at least im not.

this is not me making excuses.but that other guy?yeah he's the excuse out of this truth that im too scared to let you know.because having another guy sounds much easier for you to understand,than this long jabbering of mine.

i love you.really.but the thing that comes along with love scares me.

commitment, scares me.

be my saviour,be mine.

2010-09-06T09:10:00.000-07:00

"Losing all my tunes, I can’t get over how beautiful
You and me now, I’m on your side, you’re right"

in the middle

2010-09-06T08:12:00.000-07:00

im slowly and steadily defragmenting my life while catching the drift back. hell, to say it aint easy would be a total understatement.God knows what i've gone through.and apparently i reached the point where i just got sick of listening and listening and listening to everyone and needed to take matter in my own hands.

how can i ever learn if im forever corrected anyway?

i want and (i think) i deserve something better.and right now,that thing is waiting for me steadily (sticking on like a leech in fact) and eventually i get tired to constantly deny his existence.and exhausted,not to mention,of living in denial and convincing myself that i still love the other one while all along i was just afraid of the reality that i no longer do.at least,not as much as before.

i need a friend.not another dad.and that leech friend of mine that i mentioned earlier is very dear to me these days.

i know im playing a dangerous game here,but i cannot forever deny the rights to follow my own wants and needs,can i?

in games,someone gotta lose.i just hope mine would later be worth it.

oh btw lagu takda kaitan.

paranoid

2010-08-28T10:04:00.000-07:00

you know you aint fine when you're constantly scared.scared of being alone,of being left out,of being nothing,just scared of everything.and truth is,even at this particular moment,later tonight,few hours earlier,just about whenever and all the time,i live my life in unimaginable fear.

par:a:noid

Exhibiting or characterized by extreme and irrational fear or distrust of others.

This probably best describe me these days.im scared shitless on just about anything.i dont want to go in details on how bad this has gone so far because it aint okay to be crazy and you know how it'll probably get there if i arrange sweats,tears,delusions,and stutters in a proper sentence,yeah you get what i mean.

im jabbering and funny thing is,i'm substance free.

faith.sounds like a distant dream,too distant from my grasp right now.even if i choose to walk the faith lane,will the big guy at the other end still count me in?

God,is surprisingly the only word left that fail to inflict fear in me.

it brings shame instead.

sue me for speaking my mind,

2010-08-19T01:26:00.000-07:00

to live in a senselessly radical and emotional community.oh how i wish i could live in a much more liberated environment.where pregnant mom doesnt get condemned just because she's frustrated for not finding a cookie store.apa sangat la salah akak tu sampai korang tahi tahi kan,babi babi kan?imagine yourself in that situation,mengidam nak makan something tak jumpa kedai.emo tak agak agak?

haih.come on people.

cerdik sikit boleh tak?

this whole thing is really memalukan tahu?

and dont even make me start over the whole hoo haa about atheists and all.

it aint cool ok to go around calling people hanjing.and im pretty sure the Qoran doesnt allowed it either in whatever circumstances pun.

haih.

the real disgrace is not about muslims who turn their back over their own religion.it's the way we deal with it that's really shameful.maki sana,maki sini,carut sana carut sini.

right now, i really dont like how the face of my religion is being portrayed by our bangsa.really.

Panthère de Cartier,

2010-08-14T16:25:00.000-07:00

drools.

easy peasy

2010-08-13T07:38:00.000-07:00

live gets so much easier when you stop give a fuck about everything.

contemplating,

2010-08-06T08:29:00.000-07:00

i dont like to be put in a situation where i have to choose between options.im not a good decision maker.rephrase that,IM A TERRIBLE DECISION MAKER.what im good at,is running away and let others or the universe decides.

one simple reason.im too scared to hurt the parties involved.

ahhhhh how i just wish this is as easy as economic,as easy as opportunity cost,as easy as keeping the jeans and let go of the skirt.but it's not because jeans and skirts does not have feelings.and letting go one of them will only hurt me,not them.they'll forever be fabulous on the clothes rack,others would still drool over their beauty,their value wont fall just because i put them back ,and and and its just sad that men arent as easy as these garments.

i should go bald again.

scramble

2010-07-23T23:24:00.000-07:00

last night,i had the worst nightmare i could have ever imagined.everyone,every significant,insignificant character in my life walk by in my dreams,each with warnings of their own and each afterward,walk away.

of course the scariest part is waking up to the reality and realize things are starting to move down the same road as the dream that i had.one by one,the people i knew,those of whom their existence i use to cherish,decided to turn their back on me.

one particular person,however seems to have the fetish of coming back and then go m.i.a again and god,the very fact that this happen more than just twice annoys me to death.

it sucks to be left wondering and ponder over my own assumptions when you keep on doing this.i'd rather be left once and for all.

dude,seriously,go get some guts. if you want to shut me off,do it permanently will ya.

risau risau risau

2010-07-16T13:04:00.000-07:00

hello.

its been 2 weeks since the new semester started,and i've been skipping class here and there like my dad owns a share in uitm.macam samseng gila first week pergi 3 kelas je (thanks to world cup),
second week is also equally bad (with no shows on thursday),and well,third week ni tak tau apa jadi nanti.i feel like an ass.THIS IS NOT A GOOD START TO A NEW SEMESTER.

and then i realized i do not own a single kind of file walhal setiap sem ada obsession untuk beli 5 files in different colour.which shows,my lack of enthusiasm in sesi pembelajaran semester ini.semua notes lecturer bagi,its either they're under the bed,celah buku,or dalam fail emi.

YA ALLAH APA NAK JADI.

sooooo yeah,im worried but as usual i only know how to worry about things,not to solve them fast.

emellia sarip,bila hang nak kotakan janji dan mula disiplin kan diri kita ni?yaaa memang bilik baru kita lawa (kolej melati paling awesome dalam dunia,sumpah bilik mcm penthouse) tapi kita tak boleh terus terusan adore bilik sendiri dan guling guling atas katil ye.aku dah miss satu topik torts ni,thats not a good sign.

sigh.

evil thoughts,

2010-07-01T05:23:00.000-07:00

in the midst of me being smitten and having the opportunity to taste some bit of happiness,evil voices started to echoes inside of my head,inducing doubts in my fragile heart.

"you do realize that you're only the second choice right?"

ahhh damn.

i cant afford being the other option.its either im the main aim or i shall be none.and truth is,i've always been that,the person that you wont bother knowing at first,then when the main character fails you,you switch interest to this sidekick.this very fact,annoys me to death.

now instead of feeling smitten,i feel bitten.

fuck.

wakeup calls,

2010-06-29T11:21:00.000-07:00

i hate wakeup calls for numerous reasons.

1.it always come at the most inappropriate time.

2.it makes you realize things that you dont want to realize.

3.it makes you realize how you've always been in denial.

4.it makes you think more than you should and more than you want to.

le sigh.

a short prayer to God,

2010-06-24T13:46:00.000-07:00

im sorry Lord,

for i have sinned by refusing to join the bandwagon of skinny tall girls with long locks,for my lack of knowledge and absolute ignorance over the latest trance,house,techno music,for i do not know whats it like to be dancing on the MOS dance floor and thus not indulging in it,for my incapabilities to change my whole wardrobe once in a month,and for the very fact that i do not own a blackberry,nor any apple product of any such.

for by these my Lord,i have gone against the course of nature,thus i have sinned,and i begged for your forgiveness for not being able to cope with the nature's will.

amin.

finally,a boring post

2010-06-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

found another prick today.its like the world suddenly turn into a huge jar filled with with prick-les.
where have all the good ones go?what sin have woman like us committed to not deserve a good man as a companion.(and to not enjoy such physical luxury of having really..long..endless legs...)

i am so vain.realized that quite some time ago but only found the guts to admit it today.yes i stop whenever i cross a mirror at a mall to see image of my reflection,to betulkan my disabled hair,to tiptoe a bit with hopes that i might just get taller after the next step.

i dont know if admitting yourself a bimbo shall be considered as perasan or what.because apart from being dumb,bimbos usually come as the perfect package of skinny tall girl with blonde hair.

im having a severe identity crisis here.because at one time i feel like an absolute bimbo for having the indulgence to scrutinize myself in the mirror,for admiring the color pink,for adoring justin bieber,for enjoying a trip to the saloon and get a nice haircut..

but at the same time,i also care about global warming,AIDS,barack obama,poverty,and the fact that every six second somewhere in this world ,a child is dying with hunger.which,i figured out is not so bimbo-ish.

i dont know which one of these responsible for me ending up with pricks everytime.

but hey,the important part is,i can finally write rubbish again yeay.after a series of mental block (yes you need to have ideas to throw up rubbish,not necessarily the mind map though) and video posting and bad poetry and emotional let down.

this is a let down too,but not so emotional.im just pissed why lah everytime i get smitten over a guy,they all end up to be assholes who just want to get into your pants,not your mind.

i know,i find it hard to believe too that anyone would actually have that kind of interest over me.or maybe he's just another tiger woods in the making who have that interest towards anything with pussies.

feelin sexy?

yekkkkk no!

2010-06-18T02:09:00.000-07:00

*snap.

I HAD ENOUGH OF MOURNING ALREADY.

naw give me a thousand bucks so i can start shopping and cure.

just the right amount of shoes to make me happy again.bak datang meh.

this just made my day,

2010-06-16T04:13:00.000-07:00

fucking hillarious.

jangan spoil mood i,

2010-06-11T05:19:00.000-07:00

im content enough with my achievement,so please,keep your degrading comment only to yourself.memanglah tak DL,tapi aku dah cukup happy dah kot tak repeat paper.

jadi tolonglah beri aku peluang nak gembira sikit.

btw,seronok sangat dapat tengok result sambil diapit dua sahabat baik.*tak diapit sangat,seorang dalam shower tengah mandi,lepastu dengar aku dengan arinah jerit dapat result dia pun nak jerit dari dalam shower.

"hapadia?3.97?hapa?3.67?wahh tererrnyeee pasni kita pergi perhentian ramai ramaiiiiiii yeahhhhh!"

kepalahotak kau la kan bibi,teka result nak power2 je. =_='

tapi takpe.im happy you guys are around pada saat paling nerve wrecking sekali semalam.i lav u grrlz.

thank you God.i couldnt ask for more.:)

:')

2010-06-08T05:53:00.000-07:00

"slow slow la.laju laju nak pergi mana?bulan?"
-he who must not be named

*although this advice was meant for other purpose,
it just sounds so right for the current situation im facing now.

menjaja boyfriend baru,

2010-06-06T19:49:00.000-07:00

nama dia abu.

30 rock rocks!

2010-06-02T08:23:00.000-07:00

Jack: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.

Frank: My client has no memory of that.

Jack: I also would have accepted "You can't prove that's the governor's semen."

*********************************

Priest: Don't you have faith?

Jack:I have faith... in things I can see and buy and deregulate. Capitalism is my religion. Now, you want to have an intellectual argument? Fine, but I should warn you, I went to Princeton University.

Priest: I went to Harvard Divinity School.

Jack:[scoffs]You crimson guys never miss a chance, do you? You want a confession? Let's get this done so I can go eat. I'm divorced. I take the Lord's name in vain often and with great relish. I hit my mother with a car, possibly by accident.I almost let him choke to death right there on the football field.I looked the other way when my wig-based parent company turned a bunch of children orange.I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.and... I may have sodomized our former Vice President while under the influence of some weapons-grade narcotics.[sighs]

It feels good to say that out loud actually. That one was weighing on me.

Priest: Wow! I, uh, I don't know what to say.

Jack:I don't want you to say anything. I thought I'd made that perfectly clear.

Priest: Then...what brought you here tonight?

Jack: What brought me here tonight? Why do men do anything? Why do people build bridges, why are there jets? I was hoping to have sex with a woman tonight. [glances at the priest] Have you ever been with a woman, Father?

Priest:[weakly]Come on, man...

***********************************

Jack: Elisa is deeply religious.
Liz: If I had those knockers I'd be thanking God, too.

**************************

Kenneth: Oh, Miss Lemon. You have several messages. Aw, let's see, that company running the bike tour in South Carolina says no singles. Uh, your credit card called they want to make sure you're the one buying cream soda in bulk.

Liz: I sure am.

Kenneth: And your landlord called and he says it's not the toilet it's you.

Liz: That's his opinion.

i laugh hard for glee,but man,i sure laugh harder for 30 rock.

fuck politics

2010-06-01T23:46:00.000-07:00

i went to the nearest markas pkr just now to collect the form for hadiah ipt anak selangor tu.you know,the one yang mentioned in the earlier 2008 election tu,yang cakap nak kasi rm1,000 kat semua anak selangor yang dapat masuk IPT kan.

haaaaa nak dijadikan cerita,well,ada mamat kat situ (aku tatau lah whether he's some YB or wakil rakyat ke apa,but i couldnt care much to ask),cakap kat kitorang that well,this gift is only for those yang parents dia gaji bawah rm1,500.

WTF KEPALA BAPAK KAU?

sumpah aku terkejut bila tau syarat dia because you know why?well scroll downwards and read,

tu yang aku dah bulatkan tu.HA CELAH MANA NTAH DIA ADA SEBUT GAJI BAWAH RM1,500?

plus i remember clearly how dulu some guy from the opposition party,clad in spectacles with a bit of a messy hair(OK SEBENARNYA AKU MEMANG TAK TAHU LA KAN NAMA AHLI POLITIK SEKALIAN,INGAT MUKA JE) cakap "yaa kita akan bagi rm1000 kepada semua anak selangor yang dapat tawaran masuk ke IPT."

macam haram kan kena tipu macamni?

our dying breath baby,

2010-05-30T08:11:00.000-07:00

"You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand,"

speechless

2010-05-28T10:38:00.000-07:00

i am in love with this woman.

fak!

2010-05-27T10:24:00.001-07:00

celakaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.

feels like my jantung is bursting out of my chest.

too much KLMJ in one night.cannot tahan.

WHY FINGERS SO GATAL TO CLICK WHERE U ARENT SUPPOSE TO CLICK AMA?!

fierce fruity tuutty

2010-05-27T06:54:00.000-07:00

tomel je buah buahan bergaduh.

i tried browsing for sony ericsson vs apple or blackberry or such,tapi sudah lah weh,SUDAH TERANG LAGI BERSULUH SONY ERICSSON TAK LAYAK NAK JOIN THIS BATTLEFIELD.

macam these days its either you own an iphone or blackberry,or die.ok takdela die,melebih.

i blog from my heart,and if its all wrath and agony,u can tell how fragile i am

2010-05-21T10:09:00.000-07:00

satu reason kenapa aku tak suka cuti is,i started to think about things that i shouldnt be thinking,i question everything,and i cant answer any.it sucks really,the whole point of realization.its good for some things,but there are matters that u just wish u'd never realize.the kind of a painful truth.

i began to notice how i've outgrown myself over the past few years,from my days in kedah up until here in shah alam.how i've changed a lot,how i am no longer bubbly and friendly,how introverted i've become.

yes i demand to be alone at most time,but that doesnt necessarily mean im happy being one.

a friend asked,what will make u satisfied in life.sadly i dont know the answer to that question because if i do,i would've been a lot of a happier person right now no?

the example of the question that i yet to answer.it feels like failure,but i think truthfully no one really knows what they want in life or the one thing that'll make us feel content forever.

but it'd be nice to be happy once a while eh?something that will make u feel good for a long time is more realistic rather than forever.the word forever is just to bombarded.

i think what would make me feel a bit happier these days is to be able to fit in a crowd nicely.

and there comes my point of realisation,the sad sad truth of how i am socially inept.and the fact that i always have the thought that,oh well maybe someone would be curious enough to talk to this shy girl at the corner and maybe just maybe,that someone would find that hey,this girl isnt so bad after all.now thats just pathetic.and they never happened.

the worst part is not only i dont realize how cruel the society these days in terms of treating us introverted people,but often,others actually think that its either im a snob,or garang,because of my stoic expression,and not even once people think of me as a shy person.

snob?like seriously?with my hair like this?

and i dont want to complain though i sounds much like i am now,because i realize i can never blame the society as a whole for this,that the fact is,i am the one who need to change myself,to be a bit of an extrovert,to be outgoing,to go and hey,hi,hello and pose a bubbly face,to go out there and mingle,and stuff.

but,but,i just cant.

here's another pathetic confession.i am as inferior as you can imagine,and it annoys me to death when people asked me why on earth should i feel so because well,thats how inferior people work!they have a thousand reasons but they never get to point out any.

and whenever i feel confident enough to go and talk to people,i get this uneasy feeling of these people are looking at me as if i have food stuck in my braces,or chocolate stain on my cheek,or as if there's a huge 'L' shape on my forehead.

(problems recognized:introverted check,inferior check,paranoid check)

now thats a whole lot of issues in one post.

anyone kind enough to give me a therapy for these?because sitting in a corner i can stand,but to be stuck in a middle of a crowd and not knowing how to break the ice,man thats gonna cost me a career later aint it?

p/s:PANJANG NAK MAMPUS.

number 1

2010-05-18T23:21:00.000-07:00

i was 18.and this is the worst song ever dedicated to me so far.

tak marah

2010-05-18T08:01:00.000-07:00

i can handle being alone,i can succumb into my agony all by myself all day long,and i can bear this depression,so long as no one give me stupid promises.

because its better being hopeless than having false hopes.

tau tak rasa kena tipu tu tak best?in my dictionary,hopes that are not fulfilled later is indirectly equal to menipu.so if you can just please,quit trying too soothe me with your words,because i tend to remember every single word that people gave me and it annoys me to death when they forgot what they've promised.

be a good friend and gives reality check instead.i dont appreciate nice words all the time you know.sentences that are perfectly sculptured with nice words are usually lies,or contain some sort of bad faith in it.

so quit being nice and give me the truth instead.

bukan first time

2010-05-12T09:57:00.000-07:00

from afar,i thought u're a superstar.really.

of course my eyesight is terrible and im only judging through your height.

because homai,arent you a giraffe.u're so tall,from afar you look like a runway model struting her stuff through the crowd.macam ada lagu beyonce,ada kipas angin,rambut kau terbang terbang,and everyone was in awe.

its as if the crowd are all zebra and monotonous(and short),and there you are in the middle of it,golden,yellow,tall and kontra.

*power jugak imaginasi gua,dalam rabun rabun tu.

and then you seated yourself right in front of me.

ok i have this habit of which i tend to gaze and jaw-dropped for a longg,longg time and have difficulties to cepat cepat snap and regain composure.and im easy to impress.particularly if you're tall with long flowy locks,tak kisah jantan ke betina,i'd fall for you helplessly.i would gaze and ternganga and continue to be in awe sampai someone knocked me back into reality.

so by the time you were already in front of me,i was still ternganga.dan nervous.

ya aku nervous bila ada orang cantik duduk dekat dekat.

tapi masatu gua tak pakai spek.muka masih samar samar.tinggi je yang nyata.so i korek korek into my handbag,rummaging frantically for the spec because i want to see this pretty face fast!

so i pakai my spek.and nah,there you go.

muka bulan.mars surface.bumpy road.hole-in-one.or twenty-one.

ok mesti korang rasa aku jahat gila cakap macamni,sumpah aku pun rasa diri ini jahat,but heck you have to be in my shoes to know what i was facing then.

a gigantic giraffe with a giant ego and snobbery to match.berlagak nak mampos wa cakap lu,jejeling gua bagai,and not even a simple hi.and i fucking crack a smile kot,sengih sengih la kan tunjuk gua frenly.tapi lu layan gua macam stool siak.stool!(ye bukan setakat fool,malahan seperti stool,perabot ye)

aish orang cantik buat perangai macamtu aku faham la,because they're cantik,they can perasan they rule the world and stuff.

tapi ini muka bulan perangai tiada cantik,lagi mau cakap apa?

geleng kepala je lah.

hooliiiidayyy

2010-05-10T07:41:00.000-07:00

a sneak peek of what i've been up to during the holiday:

yaaaa marathon.

yaa dan ini juga.ketinggalan zaman sepanjang hidup di shah alam.T_T

ok bertenang puding kastard ini ada kena mengena.sebab dah 3 malam beturut2 ratah puding kastad sebelum tido.
(boleh gemuk ke tak ntah makan ni?)

ini pun,dah seminggu mengidam baru semalam dapat.

dan of course yang paling banyak mengisi masa lapang,

mampos la nak letak gambar tiut macamni walaupun diri sebenar tidur macam badak sumbu terlentang.

hokeh sekarang banyak tido.so tak rajin blog.bye

up in the air

2010-05-01T10:31:00.000-07:00

watched this a few hours ago.anything with clooney in em always turn out good.

"Never get behind old people. Their bodies are littered with hidden metal and they never seem to appreciate how little time they have left. Bingo, Asians. They pack light, travel efficiently, and they have a thing for slip on shoes. Gotta love 'em. "

"That's racist!"

"I'm like my mother, I stereotype. It's faster. "

emillia,george clooney is eerily similar to you.

bodoh

2010-04-23T05:11:00.000-07:00

ok know what right now im pissed.

apa halnye dengan gegurls gegurls yang add aku pastu delete nih?

not that i care about the number of friends i have,like seriously i dont,but really the absurd thing is these girls,whom i dont even know,added me ok,diorang yang add aku.

and i,who dont necessarily approve strangers,approved them just on the mere basis that we have tons of friends in common,and i feel somewhat obligated by that fact,so i let them in.

2 of 3 days after that,poof they're all gone.

what the f?

usually i only realize this when i go profile hooping,browsing through my friends friend,notice faces and go like "eh budak ni add aku harituh" and when i opened their profile,elok cantik je ada kat atas tu "add as friend".

what the f siri 2?

what do i possess sampai you people held such curiosity,nak add nak add nak add,lepastu aku dah approve,korang browse through my pictures,tengok aku tak berapa lawa,tak berapa hip,delete balik.

bodoh ke apa?

nak kata yang add tu buruk buruk,kot intimidated ke dengan aku macam mustahil sangat sangat,sebab well first,aku selekeh and in no way i intimidate people,and second,sumpah they are all prettyyy hipsters rambut cantik weh.semua stok dah ada indisputable internet fame ah,myspace fame,fb fame,kira kalau aku list down their name,u'd prolly recognize some of them.

so sekarang u orang explain kat aku,whats with this whole phenomena and why me?

or is it so proven that these internet /social scene queen are all just insecure little bitches?

04:20

2010-04-22T13:10:00.000-07:00

i know posting this on blog is as tacky as posting it on fb status,no difference,but a lot of his friends are on my list,so its kinda uncomfortable for them,to read my sticky icky lovey dovey rants,about their friends.
(not to so say that none of them will reach this medium,but at least they'll land here voluntarily,not terpaksa tengok dekat fb updates and go euwww)

ok why the hell am i explaining about this so panjang lebar padahal all i want to talk about is how i miss my boyfriend and how badly i want to cuddle cuddle with him right now.earlier i want to say things like i feel empty without him la,want to snug down the comforter and cry and go all emo and stuff like that but now dah takde mood la pulak nak emo.aish.

but seriously,i miss him terribly now.the fact that both of our phone got barred contributed much to this.tu lah miskin want to use bill some more.padan muka.

had a love-talk with the girlfriends just now (in between discussion over the constitution) and after comparing our stories,it so prevailed that mine is the most dramatic,blood-shedding among all.even i was surprised how i can still accurately remember the whole storyline,and tell em in the most stoic manner ever.

i mean,a few months back,i would have got shaken a bit by the whole blast-from-the past thing,but now,they no longer give the same punch-in your stomach feeling like they used to.

and to add to the girlfriends surprise,the whole drama happened in a span of less than 5 months.

short and sweet,no?

2008 was indeed a hectic male dominating year.

*noted that back then my hair was long and i was a certified bimbo.
just in case you find this hard to believe,considering how haggard i look these days.

it was a rough route,to reach to the embrace of this man im with now.
I was rough.
and mean.and always confused.gedik.bitchy.tamak.and all the wrong traits lah.(the list goes on and on..)

i fooled around,i got fooled.

BUT IT ALL ENDED EVENTUALLY THANK GOD.

and now im with the man that i've never dream of,that i despise in many aspects,but yet amusing in so many ways that i cant explain.
(ok dah dapat mood balik for sticky love rants)

i hope this last,this thing we're having.i would trade anything in this whole wide world for another fight with you.tak kisah if you're always boggling me and nag and do things that'll ANNOYED ME TO DEATH,as long as you're around,im content much.

jihii.:)

dawn,

2010-04-16T14:45:00.000-07:00

its 5.45 am.

there's nothing unusual about my nocturnal being.i've always been and will always be burung hantu for the rest of my life,so i've learnt.some people regard this as a disease,but i call this "masa yang paling produktif".(of course not much in a sense of studying,because i've been on the same chapter for the past 3 hours..so yeah,not on that part)

produktif,because my brain work twice as hard during this hour.
(its a shame i dont use this for Malaysian Legal System..)

the time where i reasoned better than i do during the daylight.
(though i still havent managed to digest the doctrine of stare decisis fully..)

and i make the most of this hour by indulging in vonnegurt,johnny cash,a bit of radiohead here and there,and well...wan arfah hamzah is definitely not in the list.

im scared shitless but i malas study.what do i do?pour out nonsensical ramblings here.probability of me flunking my exam is now up to somwhere around 30-40%.

where is my sense of conscience?i have no fucking idea.

God.whatever is your plan for me,dont make it too bad eh?

miskin

2010-04-12T11:15:00.000-07:00

some of the clothes that im letting go for a teeny weeny bit of money.the blogshop that i set up some time ago has long been neglected,so i decided to post up my junk here instead.

more to come,please click on the image for a larger view and insist for more pictures if you want to.email if you're interested (verytipikal@yahoo.com),i may not be able to reply instantly,but i'll try my best to get to them soon.:)

study week

2010-04-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

exam in one week time.semua aktiviti meliar akan dihentikan up till 9th may.maka tidak bercintalah kita selama sebulan.

the bimbo in me,dalam diam ye.

2010-04-10T11:04:00.000-07:00

its fucking weird when i become a fan of justin bieber right after i become a fan of radiohead on facebook..but what the hell.

i know i kutuk him kaw kaw when i first heard him on radio,sebab ye ah weh,ingatkan perempuan nyanyi sekali nama justin wtf,BUT BUT BUT THAT WAS BEFORE I SAW HIS VIDEO,ON MTV,HIM MOVING AND DANCING AND AHH AHH COMEL COMEL COMEL.

terus aku ampunkan suara pondan dia.terus rasa tak adilnya dunia kutuk suara dia,biar lahhh he's a kid (a very cute one),biar ah suara dia tak pecah lagi.

so okay.here i go,unleashing the bimbo in me,drooling over justin bieber.condemn me if you want to,i tak kisahhh sebab i dont see any wrong drooling over mat jambu because everyone do so.heheheheh bye.

yoga?

2010-04-03T11:51:00.000-07:00

*orang yang selalu ajar aku bangun cepat cepat kalau jatuh.

his words might have always appeared to be hollow,but they're always good enough to knock some sense back in my head.simple words,brilliant meanings in between.

my very own Lord Denning?ok dah exxagerate sangat nak samakan duan dengan lord denning.(walaupun nama dah macam nak sama)

on the other note,

slowly,

breath in,breath out.

i've done my part,i've tried my best,let the universe now conspire in determining the rest.

btw i should really give yoga a try.develop some inner peace,gain a bit of composure.reduce bipolar disorder.

oh how i badly need that.

hancurr

2010-04-03T02:44:00.000-07:00

ranap,wrecked,wretched,hancur.

semua outcome yang boleh dijangka bila benda macamni jadi.vulnerable and thoroughly exposed,i feel almost naked now.ya bila kau dah nampak semua kelemahan aku,kau dah nampak gila aku,nampak aku meraung,nampak aku jatuh,nampak aku dalam posisi paling lemah,paling hina.semua kau yang jadi saksi,semua kau yang sama sama nampak,sama sama harung.

sumpah aku tak see this coming.ya aku marah,aku hambur apa yang aku rasa,aku rasa kau suka janji tapi tak pernah pegang,aku rasa kadang kadang kau tipu aku bila kau cakap kau sentiasa ada untuk aku.aku rasa tak adil bila kau make it look like kau on my side,tapi bila berdepan orang ramai kau macam belakangkan aku.

dan aku tahu sangat sangat betapa berat sebelahnya relationship ni,sebab kau pendengar setia aku tapi aku jarang dengar masalah kau.aku self-centered bila dengan kau,aku clingy,aku attention deprived dan terpaksa cari kau utk dapat perhatian.perbualan selalu pasal aku against the world,pasal Tuhan tak sayang aku,pasal aku sakit,aku paranoid,aku aku aku.semua pasal aku.

tapi tak adil betul bila kau cakap aku tak pernah tanya pasal kau.

sigh.kalau ikut bentak hati aku nak buang kau jauh2.aku nak bergaduh,aku nak emo,aku nak merajuk sampai habis degree.tapi aku dah tak larat macamtu.dah berapa ramai yang turn their back and leave,and i cant afford another one leaving.

aku selalu cerita dekat kau kan aku sakit ,aku penat spending my whole life blaming myself.

tapi depan kau,untuk kau,aku mengaku diri sendiri asshole.aku buang ego,mintak maaf jugak walaupun dalam hati aku membentak bentak cakap kau yang salah 100%.

what more can i do?sumpah aku dah tak larat.

formspring me

2010-04-03T02:25:00.000-07:00

ask me anything.

533 days

2010-04-02T10:19:00.000-07:00

janji janji pada diri sendiri:

1.berhenti jadi terlalu dependant pada orang sekeliling.

2.berhenti trying too hard in making friends.

3.start appreciating(and make it obvious) beberapa kerat yang sentiasa ada.

4.start a healthy lifestyle,berhenti makan tak tentu hala semata mata sebab nak gemuk.

5.belajar pekakkan telinga dari dengar benda benda yang boleh buat hati sensitif ini menangis.

6.belajar jadi kurang sensitif.

7.belajar untuk final exam.(3 weeks to go!)

i just have to list these down as a reminder for myself.i suck (big time) with resolutions and things to do,and,well,things like that.but this time i just have to make some resolutions to make sure that life would at least,for the next 3 weeks be in order and not kucar kacir.

my life,for the past few days dah jadi makin sinonim dengan slogan my life is my boyfriend because asyik berkepit dan dating je this week.

surprisingly, it's not something that i feel like complaining about.in fact i've been feeling rather content these days,which is quite of a rare phenomena lagi lagi untuk semester penuh air mata ni.

somehow i've reached that stage where i stop questioning the boyfriend lack of sensibility and what appears to be like an absolute ignorance over our relationship.(more accurately over my feelings),and learn to just appreciate his presence.his shoulder to cry on is already comforting enough even without him offering comforting words.

533 days.

now im slowly turning into a hopeless romantic.

2010-03-29T04:20:00.004-07:00

“I was drawn to all the wrong things:
I liked to drink, I was lazy, I didn’t have a god, politics,ideas,ideals.I was settled into nothingness; a kind of non-being,and I accepted it.I didn’t make for an interesting person.I didn’t want to be interesting, it was too hard.What I really wanted was only a soft, hazy space to live in,
and to be left alone.”

—	charles bukowski

tak habis habis

2010-03-29T03:03:00.000-07:00

harini awak ckp awak syg saya.
esok esok awak cakap kat orang "weh aku rasa kan,ama tu dah main dengan balak dia".

harini awak gelak gelak dengan saya.
esok esok awak cakap kat orang "OMG tak mungkin la ama dapat markah tinggi!like,ama kot weh"

harini awak baik sangat dengan saya.
esok esok awak cakap kat orang "eh haritukan aku dengar ama cakap kau itu la,ini la"

apalahhh awak dengki sangat dengan saya dari dulu ni?
haih.

buruk perangai dengan busuk hati tu dua benda berbeza kan?

saya memang tunggu awak main mak bapak saya je ni.baru la ada alasan kukuh nak sepak muka cantik awak kan.

senyum sampai cramp

2010-03-27T20:38:00.000-07:00

on the previous bombarded post about wanting to be all mean and bitchy after this,

well screw that.its pretty obvious that aint happening even in a million years.bukanlah nak brag that im such a nice person or what,but i have gone through series of situation like this,and i had also,each time pasang the same kind of angan-angan to be mean and nasty and not bothering about others feeling anymore.

but i cant do that.because you know why?im a fucking coward.i get scared over hurting others feeling ALL THE TIME.and i cant even be close to being selfish because,well i just cant.i cannot not sharing my foods,i cannot get all pissed and angry when people get their hands on my stuff without permission,i always,or almost NEVER recall if ever people borrowed money from me and always ended up surprise and terharu bila ada org datang bayar hutang(this one also work vice versa,means i always forgot whenever i borrow people money oso.not good i know. maybe thats why people hate me so much because i always forgot to pay their RM1 yang aku pinjam setiap kali nak naik bas.sheeeesh i should really buy that monthly pass fast)

so i guess afterwards i will just revert to my old self,i will be trampled and stepped over,i will always be ditindas and dipijak,because i sayang friends,and thats what im good at.mengalah,senyum,and pretend like i dont know anything.and thats what we're good at.being hypocrites.

and 'you',can go on selling bad stories about me.i wont stop you after this.because you're smart and pretty and you're god of the social scene.

you're a fucking matriarch.who can stop you anyway?

down balik

2010-03-18T04:22:00.000-07:00

i hate it when a time like this come.the time when i feel like executing dozens of things listed in mind but i cant.the time when i feel like there's this huge rock,stone,wall,whatever entity it is,blocking and helding me back from getting my hands on things.

to just go on with life for fucks sake.

lazing around on the bed doing nothing for the whole day does not do justice to the term going on with life.its not even living.i've been a zombie for the past 24 hours now,and yes tuan tuan dan puan puan,i am to sit for malaysian legal system test paper tomorrow.and i havent studied a thing. and i dont think i will for at least in the next 2 hours more.

i seriously dont like this.to feel fucked up and not knowing why.

ok lah maybe i know why,but right now im in a serious state of denial and i dont feel like admitting anything and scratch my ego.that's all i have left now anyway.

i didnt know being in love would cost this much trouble.the whole perhubungan tidak direstui thing,is too overrated,or somewhat bombarded i 'd say.drama melayu sangat.and i myself still find it hard to believe that im now stuck in one of it.

liberal parenting?spineless would sum it up better i think.so much for calling yourself liberal when you're still very much pinned down by your "adat mementingkan reputasi."

sigh.am i diverting from the right way or their right way?

to be 20 and walk with your mothers decision.

sigh sigh sigh.

i cant think further.because to continue doing so would cost me heaven under the mother feet.

(though my name is prolly on the hell's list already..
God have mercy.i have faith in that.)

final sigh.

money would be a good remedy now.
lift me up..lift me up..money money where art thou..

positivity

2010-03-11T07:24:00.000-08:00

dah lama tak happy macam ni,kinda 've forget how the whole butterflies in the stomach and all such things work already.

ahhh that feeling of warmth spreading in your chest.
(though prolly its the heavy dinner.. but whatever)

i havent been in touch with faith for quite sometimes.after a series of unfortunate event,i no longer believe if something good will ever happen dalam masa masa terdekat ni.and the problem is whenever something good is actually about to happen,i feel like there's something out there that says oh ama is about to be happy,better get her.

yes,that bad.

but i guess,or maybe,i hope,(cross fingers)..
things will turn out good and i will not be deemed in too much sorrow after this.i pun penat jugak asyik whining and lamenting all the time.and i know so does everybody else.lagi lagi yang kena dengar selalu.T_T

next up,should really kasi improve sikit skill socializing.sitting around not knowing people and having the urge to go and tegur around but being held back by a terrible,terrible inferiority complex is not, fun ,at all.i dont know how but i sure i have to do something about it.kena lah weh,sampai bila nak macamni kan.

sure hope the positive vibe stays around for a while.

.

2010-03-06T02:18:00.000-08:00

"Tiger got to hunt,
Bird got to fly;
Man got to sit and wonder, “Why, why, why?”

Tiger got to sleep,
Bird got to land;
Man got to tell himself he understand."

Kurt Vonnegut

all i need is cheese to go with this whine,

2010-03-05T07:44:00.000-08:00

its terribly exhausting living among the crowd that im currently living in.

being intimidated is, exhausting.

and these days pronouncing police as 'polis' instead of 'pehlis' pun dah enough to make you feel very,very,low.

dah lah everyone here are so cantik and wear cute blouses and big cincher belts and high heels and have long pretty hairs and all sound so smart and fluent and lawyer-ish bila cakap omputih,i feel so rendah diri i cant even walk and look straight kehadapan.
isk.

and i still wear my rm7 jeans and vans masam to class.
isk isk.

and i always bermonolog sendiri bila walk pass them macam "bila lah nak jadi besar and and lawa and get to wear high heels macam kakak kakak ni"( padahal umur dah 20 tapi masih rasa tak besar.padahal juga ada stilettos tapi beli simpan dalam almari kerana tidak yakin.epic fail)

pastu dah lah my hair is big black and bushy macam broomstick tak long and shiny,and red.or yellow.or karat like everyone else here.isk isk.and i dont even have the money to tame my mane,to go saloon and manja manja diri on the weekends sebab duit semua habis dekat rapid kl and waffles and nasi campur and nasi lemak rapid kl some more.

isk isk isk isk.

PTPTN PELIS DONT FAIL ME.

without yu im miskin tegar and compang camping.so please come hurry hurry into my bank islam account in that exact same amount promised.

2010-03-05T06:36:00.000-08:00

“Wisdom tells me I am nothing.
Love tells me I am everything.
Between the two, my life flows.”

— Sri Nisargadatta Maharaj

hello venting machine

2010-03-02T08:13:00.000-08:00

i have a serious friendship issues these days.

and im getting tired of people putting the blame on me instead of giving me some comforting words or useful advices or just to say anything nice.asyik asyik aku lah yang salah,aku lah yang emo,aku lah yang mengada ngada.semua salah aku.habis yang salah guna kebaikan yang aku bagi sampai pijak kepala aku tu,tak salah?

i cant say i wont give a fuck anymore because i always do,because i always care too much about people and yes because i've always have this unrealistic hope that somehow maybe,just maybe,people would give back some bit of kindness that i gave to them.

memang naif macam hampeh la kan aku fikir macamtu.seriously i should really terima hakikat that this is the 21st century man.ayat buat baik dibalas baik tu memang dah outdated betul.

sorrylah i have to break my vow to not to rant over things like this on blog.because at the end of the day we're all alone,and no one is always there to listen to your vent,bestfriends ke bestfriends sampai konon konon dah family ke,semua tak ada,so kena lah buat blog ni jadi venting machine balik.

p/s:if it so appears to you that i am a clingy person,well please dont blame me for being so.whoever in the first place who promised to ALWAYS be there,to ALWAYS listen to my rant,and to ALWAYS still be close even after degree?makan balik semua janji hampeh kau.i cant possibly not give a fuck about everyone,but i sure can start with you.

omellll nyeeee

2010-02-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

agak agak kena baling tomato tak kalau pergi kelas naik ni?

am i turning radical or what,

2010-02-18T07:48:00.000-08:00

i cant stand being discriminated just because i have a pussy.seriously.